In the last few years, it feels like I’ve said goodbye many times in one form or another.
I said goodbye to an 18-year marriage in 2018 and the life we’d built together. I said goodbye to my father, who passed in July 2019 and then later in October a career with a company I had worked at for 15 years.
After beginning to adjust to my new life, my mother’s vascular dementia began rapidly progressing, and her need for more assistance kept increasing. Trying to balance her needs and my daughter’s, all while trying to do some work for myself to simply pay the bills and then the world shut down. I remember thinking some days I’d never get through it all. The stress was absolutely overwhelming at times.
After moving her to a retirement facility as an initial stepping stone. She broke her hip and then ended up waiting for over 2 months in limbo at a rehabilitation facility for a bed in long term care. The staff were lovely but in the midst of the Covid pandemic and so had limited interactions with patients and my mum’s condition took a rapid downward turn. Eventually a spot opened in a long-term care home in town, and I was able to finally exhale. Mum’s room was near the nurses’ station so there was always someone nearby. Her dementia continued to ramp up until her body could no longer function and I found myself saying yet another goodbye. She passed on July 19, 2023.
Earlier this year, I said goodbye to a beautiful, loving relationship which has helped me grow in ways I had not expected. Sometimes our lives take us in different directions and what you value, and love is not always the same for someone else. As a parent caregiver to a high support autistic teenager, finding another person who not only loves and appreciates you, but also sees your child as an opportunity for learning and growth is not easy to find.
It certainly feels like I’ve said goodbye a lot.
But on the other side of those goodbyes can be a place of love and gratitude. The hard part is figuring out how to reach it so you can fully embrace those feelings.
I don’t believe that all goodbyes are the same. The death of a loved one feels very different than leaving a job, a home or even a relationship. The knowledge that someone you care about has died and you will never see them again is so final. In many cases there are feelings of guilt and regret that accompany the sadness and grief. In passing, taking that final breath is a simple enough act for the person transitioning, but so very complicated in all it entails for those of us left behind.
I find in the quiet moments when I am alone, is when these thoughts become more frequent.
Time is a significant marker when we say goodbye, no matter what kind of farewell we perform.
Significant dates like anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc. are additional ways in which we mentally “mark” the absence of our loved one.
As we approach another Christmas, I find myself feeling rather nostalgic about the whole holiday season. I am incredibly fortunate to have some truly beautiful memories that never fail to make me smile and appreciate my life.
I read something the other day about “glimmers” which I found very impactful. The general idea is that you look for moments of joy all the time, no matter how big or small. A great cup of tea, a smile from a stranger at the grocery store, getting back into an old pair of jeans. Anything that brings you a smile and a glimmer of happiness is worth focusing on, each day.
So, when I find myself feeling a little low about all those goodbyes, I look for all the happy moments with those I’ve loved and who have loved me. Feeling grateful for sharing time and memories.
Although I don’t full believe the adage that time heals all wounds. It does seem that with its passage, it feels somewhat less debilitating, and any improvement is a step in the right direction.