Didn’t realize I could be this tired and still standing

person holding gray mug

When I woke up this morning, I must admit I breathed a sigh of relief that another Christmas season had come and gone. This year has been especially challenging, with Covid-19, social isolation, and lockdowns I have finally hit that wall. You know the one I’m talking about, where just one more thing going wrong can send you erupting into a flood of tears. I am not someone who is prone to crying easily, but I am just totally exhausted, in every way shape or form. Of course, that one more thing did occur, yet another leaking pipe in my basement. I’ve already spent $12,000 this past year, which had been designated to do some much-needed renovations in my old house. Unfortunately, it will now have to wait.  To say I am totally fed up, is the understatement of the year.

Between working, caregiving, and the pandemic I feel like I am running on fumes at the moment. Add in the mammoth task of clearing out my mom’s house so it could be rented, and then having the rest of it end up in mine. Not an ideal scenario.

I am someone who does not flourish in chaos, so being surrounded by stuff I have no idea what to do with, let alone where to put, is a recipe for disaster.

Instead of going back and forth and trying to decide what to keep, what to donate etc. I simply made the choice to not make a choice. Yes, I know that sounds rather convoluted I agree, but I had to acknowledge that the whole procedure was far more emotional than I truly realized, and I needed time to process what was happening.

Sometimes just getting out of bed can leave me exhausted, not that I sleep very much now anyway. Add in Christmas present wrapping, cooking, cleaning and of course lots of eating too, mustering up any energy seems to be an all-encompassing job.

In spite of the stressful year that has been most of 2020, Christmas was lovely in many ways.  I got to spend time with a special friend while my kids had Christmas Day with their Dad, (we rotate it each year) and then Boxing Day they were back home, and we did our Christmas. The one thing missing though, was my mother.

Due to the current lockdown, her assisted-living home are not allowing indoor visits, and outside visits are restricted to essential appointments only i.e., medical, dental etc. I understand the need to keep all the residents safe, but it was hard not to have her here with me and her grandchildren.

Her dementia has progressed very significantly over the last year, and I am very much aware that time is not on her side, so not being able to see her at Christmas or at all right now is difficult for me.

Despite all appearances, I am genuinely happy these days. Life has dealt me some challenging cards over the last few years, and there are many lessons I still must learn, but I truly believe that’s something that can take a lifetime to achieve.

So, for now, I’ll take a deep breath, pour myself another cup of tea, maybe warm up some leftover turkey, and be thankful that 2021 is just around the corner, bringing with it a new year filled with possibilities.

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